In recent month, increasing evidence points to an unprecedented assault on our American culture by the far left. It is their goal to transform our country from a land of personal freedom and opportunity to a nation in subservience to political correctness. We are to be force marched to a cadence set by a cadre of self-appointed elite.
Their mandate is not granted neither by a supreme God nor an elected public guardian, but imposed by the ruthless will of the oppressor. It is their arrogant sense of noblis oblige that compels them to manage the life affairs of those of us less intellectually capable or spiritually enlightened.
Yes, I warn you that this latest aggression in the battle for our future is among the most sinister and most dangerous. Defeat will strip us of our most basic rights, our most cherished freedoms. Liberal success will condemn us to a life of bland obedience within the sterile environment of a well regulated society.
Liberals recognize this issue as the fulcrum upon which our ideological debate teeters. We are now engaged in what could be the determinant battle -- the conflict that will empower its victor for generations to come.
I suspect that many of you already know of what I write. Surely, you have seen the battle clouds looming on the hueless horizon.
What? The Supreme Court? The John Roberts nomination? Iraq?
No! No, no, no! I am referring to the conspiratorial assault on the Oreo cookie. Our very right to eat as we please is being threatened. Not only is the Oreo sustenance of life, but it is the very fulfillment of the founders' promise of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
The left wing strategy, hitherto under the radar, has come upon us like the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor with a Chicago Tribune front page series condemning the popular snack. Each feature article in the series reinforces the other’s bias against the greatest American cookie.
The anti-Oreo movement claims to be protecting our children (a most common liberal ruse). The left wing diet Nazis would snatch that scrumptious treat from the tender fingers of smiling youngsters -- fingers so sweetly coated with a mixture of milk and brown crumbs.
What life is not enhanced by the availability of those dark brown two-inch disks held together by a confectionary "glue" of creamy whiteness? Can milk even be contemplated absent the possibility of submerging an Oreo on occasion? Will we never again enjoy the chilled treat of Oreo bits entrapped in the milky perma-frost of ice cream? Will we again be doomed to consume cheese cake with only graham cracker crust?
The strident left wing activists have chosen their battle well. Passing up McDonald's hamburgers, fried rice, flan and Twinkies -- and cheese cake -- they have made the humble Oreo the main target in this latest battle for the heart and soul (and stomach) of America. They know full well that the fall of the Oreo is the fall of the republic for which it stands.
If we, as a nation ... a people ... cannot defend the Oreo, is their anything in our culture that and bring us together in common cause? This is our Armageddon .. our Appomattox ... the battle that will decide forever more the course of human events.
Our nation is predicated on the necessity to compromise. But, unlike the Oreo, this issue provides no happy center. It is the uncompromisable choice between liberty and death. The attack on the Oreo is not unlike the attack on America, itself. It is the most successful cookie in the world. It is number one. To topple the Oreo is to fell the flag of freedom from atop the patriotic parapet.
The liberal enemies of the Oreo are emboldened by the knowledge that this dietary delight was brought forth in a free market -- the product of corporate America, which the left wing so loathes. Had the Oreo, by chance, been produced by government edict, our current adversaries would be providing samples at every school lunch counter, and demanding taxpayer subsidies for distribution to the poor. It would be the subject of public service advertisements featuring the brown mustachioed grins of Martin Sheehan, Barbara Streisand and Michael Moore.
I come to this battlefield not as a theorist. I am a devout devourer of both freedom and the Oreo. I LOVE the Oreo. Well, I am compelled to confess, I really love the double stuffed variety. It is the perfect proportion of crispy wafer and soft creamy filling. When allowed to absorb its full measure of milk, tea, or coffee, it naturally melts into a slurry of indescribable sweetness with a distinctive chocolate flavor.
As a child, I would twist off one cookie and scrap the filling into my mouth with my upper two front teeth. Now, I usually consume the entire cookie in tact. On occasion, however, I remove the “caps” from two Oreos, then press together the two white surfaces to produce one quadruple stuffed Oreo -- to be relished almost as a religious rite, a communion between man and Eros, the god of love, romance ... and chocolate. (Why do you think "chocolates" is the gift of seduction?)
The very authoring of this call to arms has engendered such a craving, that upon completion of my writing, I shall be compelled to visit the all night convenience store to de-shelf a package of Oreos – double stuffed, to be sure. Hopefully some will remain for morning milk.
So in closing, let me call on all patriots to seize the moment as you recall our founder’s admonition that the price of liberty – the right to consume that Oreo – is eternal vigilance. I may disagree with what you eat (and what you eat may even disagree with you), but I shall defend to morbid obesity your right to eat it.
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