Monday, September 12, 2005

LMAO: And this is news???

TidBit # 1: New Orleans Police Chief discovers way to end crime
New Orleans Police Chief Eddie Compass proudly announced that his city has been almost "crime-free." for the past four days. "We are definitely in control of the city," said. Apparently moving the entire population of a high crime rate city to other states has a very positive effect on crime.

He also noted that one-third of his 1500 person police force are AWOL, no longer on duty. After seeing uniformed police looting the Wal-Mart, it seems that the absence of cops, itself, may have been a contributing factor to the reduction of crime.

So there it is. Wanna reduce crime in your city, just evict all the citizens and send off a big chunk of the police force, and viole ... no crime. Methinks Chief Compass has lost his.

TidBit # 2: Left wing warblers nest together
Two of the most strident Senators in Washington are nest mates on Capitol Hill. Illinois grouse, Dick Durbin, and New York's mocking bird, Chuck Schumer, share a small townhouse near their offices. The Environmental Protection Agency should rush over to check the water to see how these two are absorbing so much toxic pollution. Unfortunately, neither of these birds are on the endangered spieces list.

TidBit #3: Apparently royals lead a sheltered life.
Monaco's Prince Albert was tricked into having a baby with flight attendent. Would someone be good enough to tell His Highness how babies are made so he won't get talked into a game of "gas pump" again?

TidBit #4: Baseball's hot dog wars
The Sun-Times recently compared food served at the Cubs and Sox ballparks, and claims the Sox vend healthier offerings. (You can now add “healthy ballpark food" to your list of oxymorons.)

As anyone who has visited both parks knows, there is something wrong with the study. One look at the respective crowd does the trick. Sox fans out weigh Cubs fan by at least 35 pounds per person -- and that’s only the kids. You do not want to sit between two Sox fans if you hope to inhale. (Of course with their attendance, not much chance you will have to.)

Don't they get it? Ballpark food is NOT supposed to be healthy. It is supposed to be God-awful junk food. When you eat a hot dog from the ballpark, you want that distinctive flavor of a cheap fatty wiener with a hint of overused grease; and served tepid with a garnish of bright green dyed relish, a dollop of crusty brownish sun-baked mustard and a drizzle of onion mush. THAT is a great dog ... but only at the ballpark. I would send it back if served in any other environment.

Remember, we are talking baseball fans. This is not a snooty social event where people accompany morsels of hard to pronounce foods with a glass of hard to pronounce wine that costs more than a keg of beer. This is not the crowd that sips with pinky extended. They are more likely to guzzle several brewskis, and spill and belch a lot --- and the only thing interesting about their pinky is some flashy oversized ring.

And if that is not bad enough, Sox fans are the #1 violators of the cardinal rule of Chicago hot dog preparation. They apply ... ketchup.

Cubs win the food contest, spoons down.

TidBit #5: Why didn't I know that?
Newspaper columnist Paige Wiser said it. No mushy qualified language. This is why we buy newspapers. In a recent column, she said, "The No.1 cause of traffic accidents is hitting other cars." I would never have guessed.

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